What am I going to do?It's a short question, but just as deep and difficult to answer as "Who am I?" or "Why am I here?".
Just ask yourself:
What are you going to do?
Just a warning: this iz sirius post => no silleh picshurs
Since this is a rant, and I have the attention span of a kitten on meth, lemme just add that I noticed how my paragraphs become so much shorter when I write serious stuff.
Just wanted that cleared up :p
You may know Cory Williams, or you may not. Names aren't important. It's his story. It's the story of success, through nothing but sheer will, dedication, hard work and at one point an audition for a male-stripper joint that may-or-may-not-be relevant.
5 years ago, Cory Williams was a no-one. A real nobody (Well, not really, he was a firefighter, but it's not like not-friends knew him).
But Cory had a thing. A schtick. He had
a) No self-preservation
b) A good singing voice
c) A sense of humor and a feel for comedy.
He grew up in this little town, and realized that being famous in a town, (metaphorically) called nowhere, is still being famous nowhere. So he had to get out.
And he did. He didn't get lucky, he didn't get picked. He just... followed his dreams.
He did what he had to get by, took shitty jobs and became the best at what he did through hard work.
He wanted to study film but didn't have the money, so he started working as a projectionist so he could watch films all day and study them.
He wanted a healthy body, so he became a firefighter.
He wanted to be self-reliant, so he became an pesticide-man..thing..ish...
He wanted to be better with people, so he became a salesman.
And he used this ((OMGMYPARAGRAPHS*ARE*LONGER:D)... )experience to be the best he could be. He did auditions, spent all his savings, and realized that he just had to keep trying. And trying. And trying. And now he makes money, doing what he loves.
And now I ask you:
What are you going to do?
I ask what I am going to do.
I don't know.
University is harder than I'd imagined. I think I might be able to ace all my exams. Mental capacity, I mean.
But I can't study it. Not through limitation, but a sort of emotional/mental block. I don't think there are ANY real courses I could study and find interesting, because I'd have to study them. If I'd spent the last year at home, with nothing but free time, no internet or playstation, then no doubt would I have picked up my parents' books on philosophy or theatre, film or literature. I might not have read certain books, but the interest is there. And it wanes when I HAVE to be interested. I lose interest because I'm not allowed to. I can't seem to study because that's exactly what I have to do.
Maybe it's a form of exam-stress (though my mom seems to think I could do with A LOT MORE STRESS (for you people out there that don't know me: I usually look like "don't worry, be happy" is on permanent replay in my skull)), maybe not.
I don't know what I will do.
But I can tell you what I want to do.
I want to be happy. I don't know how I will, but I want to. I'm really happy right now, at the time of writing, and, exams excluded, the past year has generally been the best one I've ever had. I met amazing, fun and interesting new people, I had fun and I learned so much, even in class.
And I want to keep being happy. And I think I'll be happy if I can keep doing what I do now. There's a problem with that, though. Someday, someday soon, my parents are going to stop funding me (though never stop backing me up, I think), and then, I think happiness will require more. I'll need money, and a nine-to-five job might just make me insane, depressed, or both.
I need to keep myself occupied. I need to be interested. It's why menial tasks are so unsatisfying. I don't learn anything new, I don't get to explore new things. It's why I love puzzles, books, writing, performers, scientists, philosophers, etc...: they challenge me. I love being challenged. I really do.
It's also why I dislike menial tasks, like I said, classes, when they don't stimulate me, or religious people. The first time you talk to a religious person, it can be interesting.
But after you've met the hundredth idiot who refuses to accept the fact that his arguments have been denied, disproven and rendered invalid, the interesting part of it wears off.
I read this amazing story, once.
A man walks into a pawn shop, and he's got this watch on his arm.
"It's a real 14k Rolex" he says.
The shopkeeper looks at it and says:
"No, it's not. It's a replica. It says so right here."
The man shrugs, puts the watch away, and pulls up a new one.
"This one is definitely real."
And the shopkeeper gives it a look and says:
"No, it's a cheap fake. That's why it says 'Rodex' on the side"
The man shrugs again, and pulls out a new watch.
and this goes on and on, until the man runs out of watches to attempt to sell, and leaves, and goes looking for a new pawn shop.
And it's the same with religion.
These people go around with their arguments, which may or may not be easy to disprove (but can almost always be disproven in some way), and THAT DOESN'T BOTHER THEM!
They're not shaken in their faith, don't doubt, even when all their reasons to believe have been rendered invalid. This isn't faith, it's blind stupidity. Even worse, they just leave and try to pawn their fake watches to other people, even when they know they were proven wrong the first time around.
And then there's the whole 'faith' thing religious nutters pull out of their txìm. When I tell them that blind faith is silly, they ask me if I believe that the world is round. After all, I've never seen it.
Then I respond to them that language is faulty. After some obligatory eyebrow-raising, I explain how there should be two words for faith: One for reasonable, reasoned faith, and one for blind faith.
When you close your eyes, you have faith, believe that the world is still there. You can't know for sure, but based on experiences and reasoning, it should still be there.
When someone tells you there's this guy, who's superpowerful and watches you masturbate, and you know he exists because he wrote this book that says he exists, only it's not written by him, then that's not REASONED faith. That is just... too silly to wrap your head around.
I read this awesome quote, to... yesterday :p:
"Atheism - the arrogant belief that billions of stars and galaxies weren't made just for you."
How did I get from life's goals to religion?
What am I going to do?
If all goes well, I'm going to do what I love, have fun doing it, keep myself alive doing it.
I'll marry someday, have fun with whoever it will turn out to be, love loving her, and keep her alive doing what I love while having fun doing it.
What am I going to do? For sure?
I'm going to love, have fun and live.
But more details are vague.
There's so much wrong with the world that you can't help but be happy.
After all, if you spent your entire life in mud, wouldn't you enjoy candy every once in a while. And I'm going to make every single piece of candy last as long as my metaphors.
Oh, alright then, I'll end with a picture :p
The real Calvin and Hobbes: